No matter what causes us anxiety, we know we will have to face it one day. Yeah, I know... Blah. Personally, throwing up is what gives me the heebie-jeebies. When I think about it, see it, hear it, or see or hear anything like it I start shaking, my palms get sweaty, and I feel all hot and light-headed. Everyday I probably worry about it at least once.
Even last night watching probably my favorite show, The Office. In the first scene, Pam throws up, Andy throws up, then just about everyone else in the office throws up and I freak out... yet, of course, can't look away from the screen. It's almost humorous how no matter where I go, vomit always seems to find me... though, I haven't thrown up since 2nd or 3rd grade. That's probably why it scares me such much. I forget what it feels like. I mean, obviously it's unpleasant but, I think I make it out to be a lot worse than it is. That's really all OCD is. It's distortion of the truth in a way that makes us freak out.
So anyway, my counseling homework is to find three videos of people throwing up. Which means I have to watch them!... Blah! It seems like I'll never not be afraid of throwing up and in a way that's kind of true. I will probably never completely get over it. Nevertheless, I hope I at least mostly overcome it. I guess what I'm trying to say is... OCD's rough. but the way to overcome your fears, is by facing them.
Friday, October 9, 2009
Monday, August 10, 2009
Scrupulosity
Scrupulosity is one of the many forms of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. One that I have come to know very well. Basically it's the religious type; the type that effects every part of your life. Germs and all of the other obsessions no doubt confuse and upset your life, but scrupulosity starts at the base and works its way up of until you're a whirlwind of chaotic discombobulation. It was undeniably the most stressful and confusing time of my life.
Warning: The following content is extremely embarrassing.... but true.
A Day in the Life of Scruples:
7:00 AM
Get out of bed and immediately face toward your prayer shelf to begin your morning prayer.You decide to keep things simple with an "Our Father."
Begin with the sign of the cross, pausing in between each Person to reflect: "In the name of the Father........ Son........ and Holy Sp- Oh! I put weight on my left foot when I said Son! Start again!
In the name of the Father...Son-Rrrr!
In the name of the Father.....Son......and Holy Spirit... Good."
After a roughly ten minute Our Father you quickly slip into some clothes and make your way downstairs. But don't forget to cover up the indents you've made in the carpet for standing there for so long. You don't want your mom questioning you later.
7: 32 AM
Don't do your hair or shave your legs. God comes before looks.
8:05 AM
Beginning of School Prayer:
As the prayer begins you try to keep up with your classmates but your thoughts are way behind and you have to start over every time you think of something other than what you're praying about. You say the words they're saying but in your head you're still on the sign of the cross. Everyone sits done when the prayer is done including you, but while they start they're lesson you sit silently staring at the cross until you have completely finished which can take anywhere from 5 minutes to 20 minutes if you get distracted. When you're done make sure you get caught up with what you missed.
11:00 AM
Lunch:
Tip: When finishing the meal blessing prayer, a good way to hide is to go to the bathroom in the last stall and lock the door. But make sure you have a good excuse if you take to long.
Hmm... Ham for lunch... Doesn't the Bible say we shouldn't eat pork?
11:23 AM
Great! It's recess! Get ready to have a blast! But here's a couple rules and tips just to make sure you don't go to hell.
-Never step on left foot when saying any kind of holy word.
-Make sure you step on your left foot when saying especially not holy words (like sin or poop)
-If you hear a siren, see anyone sinning, or just feel guilty for some reason you must say a prayer! Even if you're in front of your friends. You can hide it... probably.
-Never exaggerate! It's lying in disguise!
- Never say Oh my gosh... It's just asking for it. Never say "Goodness!" or "Oh my goodness" because the bible says God is good.
-Don't look at the ground when saying any holy words.
Good Job! Now go have fun!
11:46 AM
Back to work:
Make sure you don't capitalize any words that don't have to be. The only words that deserve capitalization are names for God. Duh! But I'm sure he understands if I'm doing it for a grade... right? Yeah He does. But what if- I'm sure it's fine. Hmm....
2:39 PM
The Bus:
What could be easier then a simple bus ride home?
Just insure that you say a prayer for the forgiveness of the troublesome kids in the front and everyone you see along the way that may look like a sinner while trying to act like you're listening to what your friend's saying.
(Lindsay, If your reading this... I'm sorry. I promise I listen now, no matter how boring it may be :) LOL. Just kidding.
Oh! That reminds me. When texting or instant messaging, make sure you never type "lol" unless you did, in fact, laugh out loud. That would be considered lying.
Evening
Things stay constant for a while. You go to dance, do your homework, and play with your brother.
About 10:00 PM
Night-the most hectic part of your day.
You start off sitting on the bed with your bible. You can read anything you want, but make sure you don't move on till you understand what you read. Repeating lines a couple times is very common.
-Don't think any unholy thoughts while reading.
Bible time can last anywhere from 30 minutes to 2 hours.
Prayer Time:
You then kneel by your bed sitting your prayer cards and Rosary in front of you in a very specific order. They can't be touching anywhere on your bedspread where there might be a stain or anything that just doesn't feel right.
Make sure you aren't facing anything directly while you pray or else you may be worshiping false gods. You decide to begin with a decade of the rosary.
Our Father: roughly ten minutes Hail Marys: about 45 minutes on good days.
(For those not common with the Rosary, it normally takes about 10 or 15 minutes a decade.
-When praying, make sure you hold out the holy words like God and Jesus for about 5 seconds. Don't think about anything unholy while you do this. If you do, start the prayer over or at least back up a couple lines.
-Also, never sit down or lean on your bed while you're praying. Jesus died on the cross for you so you should be able to kneel for a couple hours.
By now, your dad has probably told you to go to bed. You casually say okay and pretend to end your prayer, but I mean...Come on! You're just starting!
Then you start with your regular prayers.
Prayers for sinners, Prayers for sick, Prayers for dead, Prayers for Forgiveness, or whatever you can come up with. But don't leave anyone or anything out. It is your responsibility to take care of this world and make sure people don't die or go to hell. God will be very mad at you if you forget something. If you wake up in the middle of the night and think of something you have to get up and pray so you should try to remember everything now. These prayers last about 1 to 2 and a half hours.
-If you ever have to pee while praying...don't! You would be putting peeing before God and that's a sin. (Yes, I have peed my pants before)
Finally, you finish with your prayer cards. Nothing to dramatic, just make sure you think about exactly what you're reading.
Alright. Almost done. Seal it with a sign of the cross and you're good to go. Put away all of your prayer items, go to the bathroom and lay down to fall asleep the second your head hits the pillow. After all, it's usually 1 or 2 o'clock by now. Your legs are aching for kneeling sooo long but that's okay. You'll get used to it.
So that's what an average day was like for me about a year and a half ago. Plus all of the anxiety, guilt, and depression that I didn't really mention. But thanks to counseling, medicine, and family, I'm a lot more... normal. Ha ha. But not all the way.
Actually, I really have come a lot closer to God than before this all started. He really helped me conquer this whole thing. I know it wasn't God telling me to do those crazy things. It was my OCD.
P.S- For all of the Scrupulous who may have read my obsessive religious rules, Don't believe any of them. I hope I helped you to realize how crazy you are. :)
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Focus!
Bree! Focus! Come on! Look me in the eye!
FOCUS
I don't know if it's Obsessive Compulsive Disorder or what... But I know there is something incredible beneath my skin that makes it impossible to concentrate at times.
Focus comes easy to most people. But when focusing is tough for you it can be really hard just to accomplish everyday tasks. Even going to bed, or getting ready for school can be a disaster. I have had days where I stay up till midnight trying to finish the math homework I started 4 hours ago. It's really stressful and it makes you feel like...basically crap, mentally, physically, and all other ways-ically.
Today, I was especially reminded of my trouble of focusing while I was at church. My thoughts would not only wander to different worlds but would also interrupt my prayer and reflection. I would picture and think things that I really didn't want to think about. I became so obsessed with trying not to think these thoughts that I would completely miss what the readers or priest was talking about. What was supposed to be a pleasant and holy hour turned into a mental roller coaster. Walking out of church, I didn't feel happy and accomplished like most people would. I felt guilty and mad at myself, like I should just turn around and march right back in for another mass.
This kind focus trouble I can definitely say is OCD, because it is the same stress anxiety, and interfering thoughts that brought me to the wonderful road of Scrupulosity. Yeah.... Don't take that road... Not fun.
But there are other kinds of focus trouble. Maybe you just have something on your mind or an anxiety you can't stop thinking about. Sometimes we have trouble focusing when were doing something we don't want to do, like math homework :)
If you're having trouble focusing, these are a couple things you can do.
-Chewing gum really helps because it keeps your mind busy. (Which of course I can't do because of jaw problems.)
-Take short, frequent breaks. (Drink a glass of water, Doodle, Eat something) But, make sure it's a short break. Not procrastination! :)
-Taking omega-3 fish oil. It is proven to help children with disorders such as ADD, ADHD, and OCD. It also all-around help your brain. Plus it helps prevent the three most common kinds of cancer.
- Caffeine is good, but not always the healthiest choice. It's also addictive.
- Mints!
- Exercising! Even if it's just some push-ups or jumping jacks, it helps! And it makes you feel good!.
- Getting enough Sleep. To get A's you need Zzzzz.
FOCUS
I don't know if it's Obsessive Compulsive Disorder or what... But I know there is something incredible beneath my skin that makes it impossible to concentrate at times.
Focus comes easy to most people. But when focusing is tough for you it can be really hard just to accomplish everyday tasks. Even going to bed, or getting ready for school can be a disaster. I have had days where I stay up till midnight trying to finish the math homework I started 4 hours ago. It's really stressful and it makes you feel like...basically crap, mentally, physically, and all other ways-ically.
Today, I was especially reminded of my trouble of focusing while I was at church. My thoughts would not only wander to different worlds but would also interrupt my prayer and reflection. I would picture and think things that I really didn't want to think about. I became so obsessed with trying not to think these thoughts that I would completely miss what the readers or priest was talking about. What was supposed to be a pleasant and holy hour turned into a mental roller coaster. Walking out of church, I didn't feel happy and accomplished like most people would. I felt guilty and mad at myself, like I should just turn around and march right back in for another mass.
This kind focus trouble I can definitely say is OCD, because it is the same stress anxiety, and interfering thoughts that brought me to the wonderful road of Scrupulosity. Yeah.... Don't take that road... Not fun.
But there are other kinds of focus trouble. Maybe you just have something on your mind or an anxiety you can't stop thinking about. Sometimes we have trouble focusing when were doing something we don't want to do, like math homework :)
If you're having trouble focusing, these are a couple things you can do.
-Chewing gum really helps because it keeps your mind busy. (Which of course I can't do because of jaw problems.)
-Take short, frequent breaks. (Drink a glass of water, Doodle, Eat something) But, make sure it's a short break. Not procrastination! :)
-Taking omega-3 fish oil. It is proven to help children with disorders such as ADD, ADHD, and OCD. It also all-around help your brain. Plus it helps prevent the three most common kinds of cancer.
- Caffeine is good, but not always the healthiest choice. It's also addictive.
- Mints!
- Exercising! Even if it's just some push-ups or jumping jacks, it helps! And it makes you feel good!.
- Getting enough Sleep. To get A's you need Zzzzz.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Introduction to OCD
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is comparible to the wind. You never know which way it will blow or how fast. Sometimes it knocks you off your feet and other times it's just kind of annoying. Believe me. It can go from a summer breeze to a hurricane in just about a day without taking your meds. But can you imagine what is was like not having them to begin with?
History
Not until the more recent years have people truly known the cause of people with OCD's odd behavior. In the Middle Ages it was supposedly the work of Satan (which indeed sometimes it does feel that way.) Scrupulosity, or the religious type of OCD, (what I have) was definitely the more common obsession then, especially because religion was a very important part of everyone's life at that time. Unlike today, people thought it was better to follow the OCD voice in your head instead of ignoring it. I can't begin to imagine some of the crazy things people would do to go along with that voice.
Around the 18th century people began trying to find cures for the obsessions and anxiety. Of course the drawing blood and laxatives that they came up with didn't amount to much but at least they tried-right? So unfortunately all the doctors could come up with to do with the people of this strange illness was to throw them into asylums.
Then finally, around 50 years ago proper treatment for the illness was devoleped. ERP, (Exposure Response Prevention) a type of therapy in which the person with OCD is slowly exposed to their fear or anxiety, was formed and is still used along with new and improved medicines to treat OCD. Personally, I'm really thankful I have OCD now and not 100 years ago. :)
What is OCD?
I'm not a scientist or doctor but who better to tell you about OCD then someone with OCD themselves. First, lets break the word apart.
Obssessive
You probably already know what obsessing is. It's what teenage girls do over Robert Pattison. :) But when you have OCD the range of things to obsess about is immense. Some obsessions that I have had aren't bad. In fact, after a couple years I simply grow out of them. For instance, when I was around nine, the only thing I cared about was horses. I had books, movies, jewelry, clothes, and more all relvolving around horses. I even remember getting into crying fits because I didn't have a horse but, my equestrian obsession ended suddenly after a couple years. That's another thing about OCD. There is no way of knowing when, but if you have an obsession usually it will end very suddenly and out of the blue.
Of course, as well as the not so bad obsessions, there are bad ones. This is where the real craziness begins. Obsessions can start from anything. Sometimes you don't even know they are beginning. It may start with some uncomfortable thoughts, doubt, or even guilt. Those things are of course caused by the disorder. Then, to comfort ourselves and make the bad thoughts go away we do what they're telling us to do or change what were doing which is what any normal person would do. But of course, it doesn't stop there. The bad thoughts come back, only worse so we must change what were doing even more, and then more, and then more. Before long you have a whole ritual you must perform in order to keep the bad thoughts away. The thing that gives you the bad thoughts (germs, death, sickness) is the obsession which can get worse and worse over time. The things that you do to keep the bad thoughts away are the compulsions (washing your hands, checking things over and over ) and can get weirder and weirder over time.
Compulsive
So compulsions, simply stated, are what you do to prevent the anxiety. Some make sense, like over using germ-x so you won't get sick, but others don't make much sense, like touching things a certain number of times so a family member won't die. It's the compulsions that can be very, very time consuming, boring, and completely wacky. Here are a few examples:
Obsession: Sickness -> Compulsions: Washing hands for at least five minutes, not ever going to close to people, Holding breath when looking at a sick person.
Obsession: Contaminated Food: -> Compulsions: Eating food only you have touched, Never touching food that is more than one day old, Never eating with fingers
Obsession: Not going to heaven (Scrupulosity) : -> Compulsions: Never capitalizing any word but God, Only stepping on right foot when saying holy words, Never looking at ground while praying, Never thinking about unpleasant things while praying.
Those are just some of the things I could think of and actually about half of them are compulsions I have had.
When you have OCD and it gets really serious, your obsession becomes the most important thing in your life. It's all you think about. That's why it's good to take care of your obsession at the beginning. Sometimes, I may just be obsessed with something for one day, but still it's the only thing I'm thinking about and I can't get it out of my mind.
OCD isn't fully understood by a lot of people. In my class people joke about OCD but I know they really have no idea. I sometimes get stressed when my brother is showing symptoms of his OCD like his obsession with bees. I try to make him understand that they really aren't scary but he's got his mind set. I know that's probably how my family felt when I was going through some major episodes. They tried to help me but I wouldn't let them and it only led to stress and tears. I was a completely different person.
One of the most important things to OCD is that you have got to recognize that you have it. If you don't there is no chance you will get better because you have to see that OCD is there and that it's the cause. That can sometimes be the hardest thing because when you are having compulsion to do something it feels so real. It feels like if you don't do it the worst will happen. But with counseling, proper medication (not laxatives :D ) and support from family and friends, you can get through it.
History
Not until the more recent years have people truly known the cause of people with OCD's odd behavior. In the Middle Ages it was supposedly the work of Satan (which indeed sometimes it does feel that way.) Scrupulosity, or the religious type of OCD, (what I have) was definitely the more common obsession then, especially because religion was a very important part of everyone's life at that time. Unlike today, people thought it was better to follow the OCD voice in your head instead of ignoring it. I can't begin to imagine some of the crazy things people would do to go along with that voice.
Around the 18th century people began trying to find cures for the obsessions and anxiety. Of course the drawing blood and laxatives that they came up with didn't amount to much but at least they tried-right? So unfortunately all the doctors could come up with to do with the people of this strange illness was to throw them into asylums.
Then finally, around 50 years ago proper treatment for the illness was devoleped. ERP, (Exposure Response Prevention) a type of therapy in which the person with OCD is slowly exposed to their fear or anxiety, was formed and is still used along with new and improved medicines to treat OCD. Personally, I'm really thankful I have OCD now and not 100 years ago. :)
What is OCD?
I'm not a scientist or doctor but who better to tell you about OCD then someone with OCD themselves. First, lets break the word apart.
Obssessive
You probably already know what obsessing is. It's what teenage girls do over Robert Pattison. :) But when you have OCD the range of things to obsess about is immense. Some obsessions that I have had aren't bad. In fact, after a couple years I simply grow out of them. For instance, when I was around nine, the only thing I cared about was horses. I had books, movies, jewelry, clothes, and more all relvolving around horses. I even remember getting into crying fits because I didn't have a horse but, my equestrian obsession ended suddenly after a couple years. That's another thing about OCD. There is no way of knowing when, but if you have an obsession usually it will end very suddenly and out of the blue.
Of course, as well as the not so bad obsessions, there are bad ones. This is where the real craziness begins. Obsessions can start from anything. Sometimes you don't even know they are beginning. It may start with some uncomfortable thoughts, doubt, or even guilt. Those things are of course caused by the disorder. Then, to comfort ourselves and make the bad thoughts go away we do what they're telling us to do or change what were doing which is what any normal person would do. But of course, it doesn't stop there. The bad thoughts come back, only worse so we must change what were doing even more, and then more, and then more. Before long you have a whole ritual you must perform in order to keep the bad thoughts away. The thing that gives you the bad thoughts (germs, death, sickness) is the obsession which can get worse and worse over time. The things that you do to keep the bad thoughts away are the compulsions (washing your hands, checking things over and over ) and can get weirder and weirder over time.
Compulsive
So compulsions, simply stated, are what you do to prevent the anxiety. Some make sense, like over using germ-x so you won't get sick, but others don't make much sense, like touching things a certain number of times so a family member won't die. It's the compulsions that can be very, very time consuming, boring, and completely wacky. Here are a few examples:
Obsession: Sickness -> Compulsions: Washing hands for at least five minutes, not ever going to close to people, Holding breath when looking at a sick person.
Obsession: Contaminated Food: -> Compulsions: Eating food only you have touched, Never touching food that is more than one day old, Never eating with fingers
Obsession: Not going to heaven (Scrupulosity) : -> Compulsions: Never capitalizing any word but God, Only stepping on right foot when saying holy words, Never looking at ground while praying, Never thinking about unpleasant things while praying.
Those are just some of the things I could think of and actually about half of them are compulsions I have had.
When you have OCD and it gets really serious, your obsession becomes the most important thing in your life. It's all you think about. That's why it's good to take care of your obsession at the beginning. Sometimes, I may just be obsessed with something for one day, but still it's the only thing I'm thinking about and I can't get it out of my mind.
OCD isn't fully understood by a lot of people. In my class people joke about OCD but I know they really have no idea. I sometimes get stressed when my brother is showing symptoms of his OCD like his obsession with bees. I try to make him understand that they really aren't scary but he's got his mind set. I know that's probably how my family felt when I was going through some major episodes. They tried to help me but I wouldn't let them and it only led to stress and tears. I was a completely different person.
One of the most important things to OCD is that you have got to recognize that you have it. If you don't there is no chance you will get better because you have to see that OCD is there and that it's the cause. That can sometimes be the hardest thing because when you are having compulsion to do something it feels so real. It feels like if you don't do it the worst will happen. But with counseling, proper medication (not laxatives :D ) and support from family and friends, you can get through it.
Friday, July 3, 2009
First blog EVURZ!
Hi!
My name is Bree Richards and this is my first blog ever. :)
You'll be hearing a lot about my OCD throughout some of my blogs and some you'll just hear about my everyday life.
I have spent the whole day (since I literally got up) on the computer working on my website and blog. You better read them! >:(
This wasn't the best way to spend my fourth of July but can't change that! :)
Okay.... I just realized it isn't the fourth of July yet... I feel stupid
Visit my website still in the making at LivingwithOCD.community.officelive.com
My name is Bree Richards and this is my first blog ever. :)
You'll be hearing a lot about my OCD throughout some of my blogs and some you'll just hear about my everyday life.
I have spent the whole day (since I literally got up) on the computer working on my website and blog. You better read them! >:(
This wasn't the best way to spend my fourth of July but can't change that! :)
Okay.... I just realized it isn't the fourth of July yet... I feel stupid
Visit my website still in the making at LivingwithOCD.community.officelive.com
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